3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize