I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
