There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We have started to decorate penises.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
