I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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