if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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