I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
