Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
