CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
