He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
