I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
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Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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