I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
