Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
