he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh god it's open bar.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
