I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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