He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
