david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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