Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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