she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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