Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
