I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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