im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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