I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
