I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
