This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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