that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
