he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
pray to the hookup gods
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