cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
