Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
