i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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