The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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