I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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