There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
