Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Drake has all the answers
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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