I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
