you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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