if you like me you must not know who I am
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I could make wine with my vomit
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
