You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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