He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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