I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
