this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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