There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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