are you so shy because you have an std?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
