Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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