Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Less talking, more tequila
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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