a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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