I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
