saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
