it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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