Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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