im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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