you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
