When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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