She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
