in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
